How did I know it would come to this, Paul?
The mind is a wonderful thing when oiled
with pure thought, a mess when powdered
by 'shrooms.
Switch to twinings, Paul.
Looks like I'm going to have to hammer this into you until it sinks in:
STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [X] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[X] Humorless Asshole [X] Pervert [X] Geek
[X] Moron [X] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [X] Freak [X] Cryogenic
[X] Illiterate Fool [X] Druggie [X] Pre-teen
[X] Twit [X] Cow Dropping [X] Twerp
[X] Mental Midget [X] Weasel [X] d00d
[X] Tool [X] Weirdo [X] Megalomaniac
I take objection to your recent
[ ] e-mail
[X] post on __comp.lang.java.programmer__________________ newsgroup.
It was (check all that apply):
[X] lame.
[X] stupid.
[X] ignorant.
[X] much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be
capable.
You are being flamed because of the following specific offenses:
[ ] you ignored a disclaimer warning of offensive material.
[X] you have no sense of humor.
[X] you have no grammatical skills.
[X] you can't spell.
[ ] you used the word "****" or a variation thereof far too
many times.
[X] you are just plain stupid.
[ ] you have piss-poor taste in music.
[X] you made unfounded allegations.
[ ] you get offended too easily.
[X] you can't punctuate.
[ ] your post/mail originated on FidoNet.
[ ] your post/mail originated on Netcom.
[ ] your post/mail originated on AOL.
[ ] your post referred to the newsgroup/Web page as a Board, BBoard,
BBS, or Notesfile.
[ ] you asked a question of mind-boggling stupidity.
[X] you made a comment of mind-boggling stupidity.
[X] you continued a boring, useless, stupid thread.
[ ] you repeatedly said the same thing over and over.
[X] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless
threads.
[ ] you started a thread riddled with profanities.
[ ] you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]".
[ ] you asked for replies via email because you "don't read
this group".
[X] you advocate censorship.
[X] you started some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this
group.
[X] you took part in some sort of crap that doesn't belong in
this group.
[X] you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you.
[X] you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty
than you.
[ ] you threatened others with physical harm.
[X] you made a bigoted statement(s).
[X] you have a lame login name.
[X] your machine has a stupid name.
[X] you repeatedly assume unwarranted moral or intellectual
superiority.
[X] what you posted/said has been done before.
[X] Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
[ ] your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of
_______________________.
[X] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your
preserve.
[X] you are under the misapprehension that the Internet is your
preserve.
[X] you have repeatedly shown lack of humor.
[X] you are apparently under compulsion to say everything that
comes to mind.
[X] you violated rule 1126: "No self nominations for kook of
the month."
[X] you keep on debating in an argument that you lost a long
time ago.
[ ] you are using a newsreader that violates the RFCs.
[ ] you are using software (newsreaders, etc) that don't
conform to established net.ettiquette.
[ ] you quoted an entire post in your reply.
[ ] you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new
text.
[ ] you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added ___
line(s) of text.
[ ] you said "me too" or something to that effect.
[ ] after quoting the whole message.
[ ] you posted pretending to be famous. (Only in your own mind, my
dear...)
[X] your post/letter was an obvious forgery.
[X] it was done clumsily.
[X] and was easily traceable.
[X] Pot. Kettle. Black.
[X] you are irrational
[X] you raise no good points in your argument
[X] you have no vocabulary
[X] you are gullible
[X] your .sig sucks because: (check all that apply)
[X] It is missing entirely
[ ] it is longer than 6 lines.
[ ] ...and your newsreader truncated it.
[ ] you listed ___ snail mail address(es).
[ ] ...with a nine-digit ZIP code.
[ ] you included your nickname on IRC.
[ ] you listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in
prank calls.
[ ] you included a stupid disclaimer.
[ ] your pathetic attempt at being witty in the
disclaimer failed.
[ ] miserably.
[ ] your .sig should make your company disclaim YOU.
[ ] you included: (check all that apply)
[ ] a stupid self-quote.
[ ] a Bill Clinton quote.
[ ] a Jay Leno joke.
[ ] a reference to any TV talk show and/or host.
[ ] a set of instructions for something as stupid as
your post.
[ ] lame ASCII graphics (check all that apply):
[ ] USS Enterprise.
[ ] Australia.
[ ] the Amiga logo.
[ ] your company's logo.
[ ] a bicycle.
[ ] ANY of The Simpsons.
[ ] you quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply.
[ ] you started a long, stupid thread.
[ ] you used the word "rule" as a verb anywhere.
[ ] YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS CAUSE YOU THINK YOU LOOK
COOL WHEN YOU DO.
[ ] you spell cool "kewl".
[ ] you sent an empty mail/post.
[ ] you sent an empty mail/post except for phrase "**** you".
[ ] you started an off-topic thread.
[ ] you posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message.
[X] you posted a blatantly obvious troll.
[ ] you posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll"
above).
[ ] you replied to the above message type believing it was
someone famous.
[X] you make no sense.
[ ] you posted/mailed commercial advertisement(s).
[ ] THE FINE FOR THIS IS $50. Please remit a money order
within 30 days or lose posting/e-mail privileges to:
USENET News Standards Bureau
Mid-Atlantic Division
111 Lefevre Station 1
Charlottesville VA 22904-0017
[ ] you posted a phone-sex advertisement.
[ ] you posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme and
claimed it was legal.
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] you didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so
generally worthless that you are being flamed anyway
Furthermore:
[X] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of
______comp.lang.java.programmer________________ newsgroup.
[ ] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of
_______________ page.
[X] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
[X] you are a loser.
[X] you must have spent your entire life in a Skinner box to be
this clueless.
[X] *plonk* (you wish!)
[X] all of this has been pointed out to you before.
To repent, you must:
[X] stop masturbating [ ] for a week
[ ] for a month
[X] until you actually get some
[ ] give up your AOL account
[X] bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[X] cut the prozacs in half next time
[X] No, double it actually
[X] jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[X] actually post something relevant
[X] Twenty times consecutively in this group with no drivel in
*any* group in between
[X] read the FAQ
[X] be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Rmgroup your misbegotten alt.fan group
[X] Lamely forge an article and thus lose your account(s)
In closing, I'd like to say:
[X] get Wrecked
[X] on meths
[X] and thus become blind
[X] get a life
[X] never post again (tall order I know, dearie)
[ ] age 10 more years before you post again
[X] I pity your dog
[ ] consume excrement
[X] consume excrement and thus expire
[X] go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
[X] And sue the biotech firm that created you for ten million and
donate it all to the Electronic Frontier Foundation
[X] yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
[X] take your gibberish somewhere else
[X] get a clue, you pathetic loser
[X] learn to post or get off the usenet
[X] stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up.
[X] find a volcano and throw yourself in.
[X] get a gun and shoot yourself.
[X] stop reading USENET and get a life.
[X] stop posting to USENET and get a life.
[X] stop sending email and get a life.
[X] all of the above
