Dear amanda,
"Is feeling like a robot a typical description of a programmer's life?
"
I am delighted you ask this question. In fact, not a lot of
(non-programmer) people are aware of the life of a typical software
engineer, so I'll take the time to enlighten you.
As a programmer robot, our day is actually defined by a series of
routines, or "subroutines" to us programmer types. It varies from
robot to robot (or should I say programmer to programmer) but the
underlying pattern is the same.
Subroutine_compubyte_2a_nanopixel_usb_part1:
I wake up every morning to a cup of metal bolts and warm castol oil, it
limbers me up nicely. The castrol oil is essential so all my movable
joints stay in shape and it also helps to prevent corrusion. Once I've
oiled my nuts and tightened any loose fitting hinges, I like to take a
quick grease shower. It's immensley refreshing to start the day like
that before heading off to the lab. Once I've meticulously completed
this initial morning routine my code process execution flow allows me
to proceed the pre-departure subroutine.
Subroutine_compubyte_2a_nanopixel_usb_part2:
This subroutine is second in the day an essentially dictates how I
leave the house and engage in the transportation process to work, it
begins the moment I secure the private tokenised security algorithm on
my lower port B docking subnet. (locked the front door). Once that has
completed and the I'm secure in my mind that the motherboard lockout
module has completed I am ready to engage the hoverboard quasi
transpo-vector process. This involves my activating the motor reel on
my chevretron X234.rr1. I am guaranteed delivery to my laboratory
destination within 15 minutes under normal operating conditions. The
chevretron X234.rr1 is the transport model of choice for us robot
programmers and we are entitled to free upgrades every 8 years.
subroutine_alpha_argv_psp_box_datacom_1s1aaa.rr65
This is the third part of my day and begins once I've stepped out of my
chevretron X234.rr1 transporter. It activates the "at work" environment
which is pre-programmed into all robots. It's the special module we
programmers use to communicate and work throughout the day. In essence
it's basically a secret encoding mechanism that protects programmers
from other non-programmer types. It allows us to communicate using
strange words and it also allows us to identify non-programmer robots.
For example have you ever been in a scenario where you've heard
somebody say things like;
"Hi alf, I'm getting bit hard by a classic dreaded diamond scenario.
It's a polymorphic nightmare and I'm considering a total refactor. With
any luck the recompile won't instantiate too many templates and my
relink time will be minimal"
"Ah Victor, long time no see. Yeah, I'd go for the refactor option, why
not consider another 3GL and protect yourself via interfaces?"
If yes, then you've actually been in the company of programmer robots.
There is no need to worry, simply observe. Don't try to understand or
they (might) turn nasty.
Similarly has anybody ever asked you;
"Hey Amanda, know where I can download the latest JRE?"
If yes, then you've been probed by a programmer robot. Nothing to be
afraid of really, they were just checking to see if you were a robot
programmer or not. ButI digress. Anyways, once
subroutine_alpha_argv_psp_box_datacom_1s1aaa.rr65 has been initialised
and I'm in my work environment, I proceed to my docking station. Each
programmer robot has a unique computer programming environment that is
unique. Once at their programming environment the programmer robot
starts programming. This entails using a bizarre sequence of numbers,
characters and special keys on their keyboard that is understood by
nobody outside the robot world. Each robot has their favourite set of
these numbers, keys and characters and they even mean different things
on different computers. On top of that these special keys and
characters are constantly changing. That means that no matter how much
a programmer robot knows, he never knows it ALL. He is constantly using
these special keys and characters and learning about new ones. The more
new ones he learns, the more are created. There is an INFINITE supply
of other robots that are constantly creating new keys and special
characters that robots need to learn. It's a constant cycle that never
changes and is to conintue for infinity. Anyways, the programmer robot
does this stuff all day and never tires of it. From time to time a
programmer will blow a transitor or an internal hardware error will
cause him to malfunction. The malfunctions are great fun. It basically
causes the robot-programmer to turn into a normal "human being" for a
while. By this I mean, he has emotions and senses and feelings, just
like a human. The robot programmer when malfunctioning, will enter a
rage. The rage is all consuming and is completely out of his control.
It consumes the robot programmer and he is compelled to seek out the
solution to a puzzle that is an obsession. he becomes fixated by issues
which a normal human would find laughable. For example, imagine
somebody asked you to go to your wardrobe and place your 3 favourite
frocks on your bed. Well you would do just simply that, wouldn't you?
Well a malfunctioning robot programmer cannot do that. He must find out
the "optimal" means of getting to the wardrobe (after he's determined
where is currently is, so he can perform repositioning relative to his
current location). Now once the frocks have been recovered from the
wardrobe (and it's significant to the programmer what type of clothes
container the wardrobe is), he is in a position to select his
favourites and put them on the bed. The malfunctioning programmer will
spend days, hours , even weeks trying to figure out the BEST way of
arranging the frocks on the bed... and he will not give up until the
optimal solution is found.
"Is feeling like a robot a typical description of a programmer's life?
"
I'm too tired to go on........what do you think amanda? How do robots
feel? Do robots have feelings? Or do you mean "feel" in the context of
"grope". How do you feel?
I'm off to the pub now and if things go my way, I'll get lucky and laid
by a scorching blonde in the club tonight. that should answer your
question.
G
